Sunday, March 13, 2016

Quitting Coffee and Finding Nipple Hair. My Life is Over.

Since I've been attempting to shift the blog for a long time now, I decided today would be as good as any to start. And start I will! Disclaimer: you're either going to love this in a "spit your coffee and laugh til your sides hurt" or you're going to hate it in "I think I just vurped and I'm highly disturbed way. Know your self and either read on or GTFO. You've been warned.

Following last weeks blog about ME!, it's going to be a toughie to follow up, but I'm going to do my best.  I've plugged in a bit here and there for the last year or so about changing the structure of the blog, and moving in a different direction, but I've been slow to follow through. Mainly because I don't know where the fuck I'm going (reoccurring theme in my life to be quite honest.) The obvious direction is a Mom Blog, because, what do ya know, I'm a mom! Buuuuut, as I've stated previously, I'm not just a mom, and while my kids do have their own god damn hashtags on IG, and they are hilarious, I don't believe that it would be enough to fill a blog. So my next option is Art...which would be great, but regardless of how much I enjoy my art, I'm not confident enough to create an entire blog about it, not would I know what to do aside from throwing up photos. So that's out. I sure as shit can't write about marriage and relationship advice, seeing as I make it through mine a day at a time, and at the end of the day, I lay awake in bed thinking about all the ways I could be a better wife. I can't really write about work, because I have this amazing knack for holding positions where I'm bound by tight HIPPA laws, and I'm really unsure about where the line is drawn when it comes to writing in a public forum (or private for that matter) about my roles in my positions. Believe me though, to be a fly on the wall for any of them would be life changing for you. I'll be figuring this out in time. So what the hell DO I write about? Well fuck, how about all of it!!

My concerns this week have been: eating cleaner (we will discuss this further below), drinking more water (the kind that isn't mixed with coffee grounds), yoga (in my living room for the sake of my dignity), quitting smoking (14 years and it's finally catching up), taking vitamins (I'm bloated like a fucking walrus), and lastly: why the FUCK IS THERE HAIR ON MY FUCKING AREOLA???????

Let us proceed!

- First topic- food. I fucking LOVE that shit!!! It's my life. I eat everything, everywhere, Green eggs and ham?? Fuck YES Sam I Am!! Thank you you annoying piece of shit! Seriosuly, I eat anything anyone offers me, it's a healthy sickness. I joke often about my love for food, my lack of "give a fucks" about my weight (really, truly: being skinny isn't a goal) and my cravings at any given moment. I just fucking love to eat. I love my husband, my children, and my food. In that order. 1. Sex 2. Results of sex. 3. FOOD!!!
HOWEVER.... I hit 27 a few weeks ago, and my body has begun to rebel. The acne I procured at 22 is here with a vengeance 5 years later, I'm so bloated that I can't fit into my stretchy pants (I have a lot of stretchy pants) and I have to poop a LOT. Which is fine, but this is extreme.
So I'm changing my ways guys, I'm giving up the shit food for 6 months. Maybe. We'll see. But I'm going to give it the gold star try. Pray for me, and all those who come in contact with me. Amen.

-Second topic-water. I DON'T fucking love water. Unless it's brewed with the beans of the gods, or fermented in the brown bottle. That's it, that's all my liquid intake. A couple cuppas a week late at night, when I'm attempting to convincing myself I'm NOT a functional alcoholic, and I DON'T need a beer. Other than that, I don't drink water. But with the acne that makes me look like my face is deteriorating and decomposing, I have to do something. I may not care about my weight, but my face?? Oh baby, it's ALL I GOT!!  Soo, I'm shooting for a half gallon a day, moving up from there, and trying not to die. My bladder is not thanking me this week.

Third topic- Yoga. If you've caught onto the last two topics, you can probably come to some conclusion that I'm not a fan of exercise, and care very little about my weight. But yoga is the exception. I feel open to this because it helps more with my mental issues than anything else (and god knows they're aplenty.) I'm figuring that if I can commit to yoga, I can do anything. I'm really not excited about yoga though, and that's why it's March and I styill haven't started. Soon it'll be October and I'll go "Ah fuck it, maybe next year." I'll keep you uodated. 

Fourth topic- quitting smoking. STOP RIGHT HERE AND READ CAREFULLY: I love, LOVE, smoking. It's my comfort, my security blanket. I don't smoke in my house, car, or directly near my children or anyone else who does not smoke. I try very hard to be respectful. Please, under no circumstances, try and urge me to quit smoking!! I understand you love me, and you want what's best for me, but I have the emotional capacity of a 12 year old, and just to be a brat, I WILL smoke another just to prove I'm not quitting. I do NOT WANT TO QUIT!  But I'm going to, I'm not going to tell you when, because I'll be really fucking cranky and I don't want to hear your shit. I won't tell you because I don't want you to hold me accountable to abstain. I won't tell you until it's been months of no smoking, because I know me, and I know that all it takes is one little break down, and I'll suck down a pack in a day just o calm myself. I HAVE to make it over the hump to quit for good, and I have to have a damn good reason to stay quitting. I'll tell you in a year. Don't ask questions, just don't.

Fifth topic- NIPPLE HAIR!!! Since I yelled at you on the last topic, I figured I'd give you something to laugh about, because your feelings might be hurt, and I really do feel bad about that. So really, nipple hair???? I'm 27 god damn years old. I get lip hair, thicker arm hair, faster growing leg and armpit hair, but FUCKING NIPPLE HAIR??? This was a WAY worse surprise than hemorrhoids (which I was NOT properly warned about and came as a nasty surprise.) So I'm doing all this top notch research *googling* and finding nothing. Not a damn thing. Either I'm in VERY early peri-menopause OR...I'm dying. Those are my options. So what do I do??? Do I shave them?? No. Under no circumstances, do NOT shave your nipple dudes!! You will get a rah that spreads the entirety of your tit, and it'll itch like a motherfucker for two weeks, especially if you wear a bra and work in a sweaty environment!! Just don't. Do you pluck them?? Yes, but apparently at the rate of one per week, and in the same direction at which you remove lug nuts from a tire. Again, just fucking don't. trim them, and leave them the hell alone otherwise. And convince your partner that it's the new sexy, and at nearly 30, he should feel lucky my facial hair doesn't match his. 

Happy Sunday loves!!

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