Monday, March 28, 2016

Mawwiage

I want to talk about marriage. Not just my marriage (although obviously a lot about mine, since that’s my most personal reference.)

I want to talk about the struggles, the evolutions, the comforts, the sacrifices, and even a few tips. Bare with me, and sit tight, my story about marriage is one hell of a bumpy ride.

I initially promised this for Sunday, as I’ve typically been posting on Sundays. However, in my infinite wisdom, I forgot this Sunday was Easter Sunday, and therefore I skipped posting and put it off for today.  I do these things a lot. I’m the flakiest, most unreliable person I know. It’s one of my true weaknesses. You know those awful job behavioral questions they ask now?? Well, when I was in college, we did a whole module on job prep, and mock interviews. They wanted us to be able to answer any question, and get any job. One of the questions would inevitably always be, “What are your weaknesses?” and you were supposed to be able to answer in a way that challenged your weakness into a strength, like, “Well, I feel that I can be extremely sensitive, however, I believe that creates an awesome platform for my empathy to show and really care for others.” Or some shit. Anyway…I’m sitting here watching X-Files and yelling at my children to get into their own beds because it’s a school nights. {{{Hallelujah and FUCK YEAH!!}}} I’ll go ahead and get to the point of tonight’s post!

Ok, I seriously just took a two hour break. Someone needs to stop me. SOMEONE NEEDS TO HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE GOD DAMN IT!!!!

Let’s try this again!

Marriage. “Mawwiage. It’s what bwings us togevah today.” – The Princess Bride. (My spell check is losing it’s shit. LOL!!)


So earlier this week, I made a post on my Facebook page about Drew and I, a little bit about how we met, and what led up to our getting married. Instead of rehashing on that, I want to talk about the actual married part. I suppose a little bit from start to finish, but more so the parts that fall in-between. The not so “important” parts, and even the icky parts.  What I will promise however, is that as much as I wish I could share EVERYTHING, I can’t, but not because it would upset Drew (he’s very used to my antics) but because I’m a firm believer in keeping some of my story to myself. To own my memories. Everyone should have that right, and I reserve that in every aspect of mine. Despite what I’ve given you in the past, you don’t truly know everything, and that’s how I like to keep it. So let’s get on with it.

Do I start at the beginning?? I suppose that’s needed.


Drew and I were married September 23rd, 2007. It was a beautiful outdoor ceremony, surrounded by close family, and it’s honestly, truly one of my happiest memories. We got married 3 weeks after we’d began “dating.” I say “dating” because we’d been best friends for many years, and room mates for some time. By the time we were “together,” we felt that we knew absolutely everything about one another.  We’d come together in a less than ideal way, but when we made our decisions, we stood behind them and followed through. Despite the pain we’d both experienced in the relationships we were in at the time, we knew we were hurting our significant others, but that we had to leave the relationships. We didn’t choose the best way to do that, but once it had all happened, we knew it was for the best. That’s the most uncomfortable part of this story.

After we got married, we lived in an apartment for a few months, before moving into Drew’s parent’s home. That wasn’t exactly the most fun thing I’ve ever gone through, but after growing up and learning how to get along with a much more stable family than the one I’d grown up with, things got exceptionably better. Drew and I struggled a lot during this time. I think mostly because we were so young and so unsure about how to make something work that we didn’t know much about. We didn’t fight much, but we also didn’t talk things out. We were children playing at a grown up’s game, and we were losing.

After 6 months of living with Drew’s parents, we knew our plan of saving money to leave and go to Philadelphia was failing, and we needed a better plan.  Drew decided that joining the Air Force was the best opportunity for us, and for making our lives better. At the time, I viewed this as terrifying and what could potentially end our marriage. Many years later, I recognize this as the greatest sacrifice Drew could have ever made for us, and I am SO proud of him and his service.

We soon got pregnant with Genevieve, and things sped up from there. Before we knew it, a year had passed, Drew was done with training, we’d gained custody of my brother, and we were headed off to Tucson for an unknown amount of time. 2 months later we’d be pregnant with our second and last, Dominic.

After Dominic was born, I ended up with some severe post partum depression. On top of that, I was medicated incorrectly, being pumped with synthetic hormones that I couldn’t handle and 2 babies and teenager that I didn’t kow how to parent. This was a disasterous recipe for making a marriage work. I became inconsolable, violent, and my triggers were unmangable and taking over every aspect of our lives. Luckily, I made friends right after, and built the best support system any military wife could ever dream of. Slowly I healed, and so did my marriage. Now we’re working on year number 9, and it’s a miracle.


So what are some of my best tips?

·      Never complain of your spouse to your own mother, they’ll never forgive them. Talk to their mother, because they HAVE to love them regardless. {I’ve been blessed with the best 3 mothers in law a girl could ever hope to have.}

·      Choose your spouse every day.  {I read an article a few motnhs ago about this, and it changed the way I looked at Drew.}

·      Go to bed mad. No bullshit is ever worth losing sleep over. The more tired you are, the less you’ll be able to process and solve problems. {Drew knows I’d rather sleep that shit off than stay up crying inconsolably all night.}

·      Make sure your spouse knows that you appreciate them. Point out the awesome shit they do that makes you happy. Look for those things everyday. {I don’t do this often enough, which leads me to my next.}

·      Remember that neither you nor them are mind readers, and that despite your feelings of love and gratitude, if you don’t vocalize them, your spouse won’t know your feelings. {Drew and I both lack this skill. We have to make a valiant effort to let one another know how much we mean to one another. We’re both needy as fuck.}

·      Have sex. Do it often, do it well, make sure you’re switching positions, and giving it your all. DO NOT force yourself to have sex if you don’t want to, but try and evaluate why you don’t want to. Just had a baby? Damn good reason. Got in a fight? Don’t fucking worry about it. But intimacy matters. Even cuddling, holding hands, rubbing backs. Human touch is essential! {At almost 9 years of marriage, Drew and I have more sex now than when we first got married. We finally have that freedom again, and we take advantage. Our marriage survived this long without consistent sex, and your’s could too, but try not to let it last forever. You deserve damn good sex.}

·      My last and most important: People change. People evolve. People age. If I had been warned if this before we got married, I wouldn’t have been horrified by the changes we’ve both been through. We could have evolved together. Instead we evolved separately and had to find our way back to one another. And thank god we did. Leave room for change, and be flexible. Learn that the world is not black and white, and that we need to be willing to negotiate in all things.



Have a happy marriage!




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