Sunday, September 29, 2013

The Beginning of the Rest of My Life

  So, last night, in my tipsiness, I attempted to write a blog post, and it was difficult and painful to read.  Thankfully I didn’t post that awfulness, and I can start again this morning!!  So what have the last two weeks of my life been like???  Crazy, chaotic, stressful…nothing too new ;) I’m still doing my extern, and I’m still loving it.  Everyday there’s a resident who makes my day, and Lord knows I love being there.  I know the adult thing to do is to buck and up and deal with the idea that my next step in life is to get a job I may not like, but damn it!  I don’t want to be an adult EVERY day!  They did NOT tell me it was a daily gig!  The transition has still been difficult, but it’s been good too.  The kids are happy to spend all their time with their best friends (even though they end up fighting like siblings all the damn time), and I’m still happy that I am able to take them to someone I trust whole-heartedly with their lives.  She is one of the very few women  I’ve met as a military wife whom I’ll cherish as a lifelong friend.  There are about 5 friends I’ve been blessed to have in my life since becoming a military wife that I hope to never lose. 

 One of those 5 left me last weekend, under very unfortunate circumstances.  Let me tell you little about Miss Emily ;)  You see, if it weren’t for Emily, I would have never met 3 out of the other 4 girls that I’m close to.  And without with Emily, I would have spent many Friday nights sitting idly by watching Drew play COD…and I would have died!  Without Emily, I would have never have gone to the gym…every god damn morning at 4am….and stuck to it for 6 months.  Without Emily, I wouldn’t be more informed, more influenced, and more loved.  I would probably be alone and sad and without a social life ;) Emily, I know you’re going to read this: I love you babe.  You have been a true gift in my life.  You have been one of my closest friends, and although we’re not hella far apart, I know that you’ll be a forever friend, and I can easily see us sitting on some lush lawn (yours of course lmao) drinking SWEET wine, none of that bitter expensive classy shit, I have an image to upkeep here!  In a nutshell, thank you, you have been a valuable and loving friend.  We’ve seen each other through hard times, good times and “blah” times, and I could appreciate you more if I tried.  I miss you babe. <3

  So where do I go from here?  After Keith and I broke up (*side note: do you have any idea how difficult it is to come up with generic male names to replace real names is?? Ridiculous!), I became self-destructive again.  I started partying ALL the time, drinking after work as much as possible.  I moved into an apartment my mother had had for a few years in Mayville, but wasn’t living in anymore because she and the kids had moved in with her boyfriend in Westfield.  After spending a few weeks there, I opted to get my own apartment, next door to Keith’s cousin and her father, and I was excited because it was MY first place, all by myself, no one else to worry about.  It was real independence and I soaked it up.  I continued drinking, and had even starting promiscuously sleeping around with most of the guys I knew in town.  At the same time I’d started sleeping with Keith’s cousin, someone Keith loved, trusted and admired.  I knew it was wrong, and mean, but on the same note, I had feelings for Josh* and I wanted so badly for him to want to feel for me too.  Realistically, it wasn’t going to happen.  He only showed up at my door when he was too drunk to be useful, and most of the time I hated him.  He knew what I wanted, and he didn’t care.  I don’t know why I allowed him to use me, but in my mind I think I assumed something was better than nothing.  It was destructive and it hurt.  It had to end.  And it did, the day I met Jimmy*.  

  He was sooo cool lol.  Tattoos galore, 14 facial piercings, a car!!!  Oh, and a job and his own place…kind of.  There were some things that could have been better about the situation, but in the moment, I had stars in my eyes and I didn’t give a damn about anything but being with him.  By now, it was August of 2006, 2 full years since we’d first arrived in New York.  The first month with Jimmy flew by, we were together every day, all day, never apart.  At the same time, Keith’s family stopped speaking to me because of legal issues between Keith and Jimmy’s families when they were children.  Bad small town blood.  I was hurt, I’d invested love and time into their family, just as I had with Keith, but I understood and I let it go.  Mostly for my best friend Kris who was (and still is!) with Keith’s younger brother, and my love for her meant more than my pride.  And I felt happy with Jimmy.  At least for a little while. 

  It didn’t take long for the real Jimmy to appear and rear it’s ugly head.  For a few months I chalked it up to it being a new relationship, but by Thanksgiving that year I realized how truly stupid I was, and I wanted out.  It never failed, every week or two, Jimmy would throw a stupid ridiculous fit about the dumbest shit, and it would be the end of the world.  I was constantly being verbally abused and in the end, left with no dignity.  At some point I had given up my apartment and moved in with him, only to realize what I dumb mistake that had been.  Every time we fought, he’d kick me and my things out into the snow (literally) and I’ll have to call my mother or a friend and beg to stay with them for a night.  Eventually I got a little stronger, and after one of the bigger blow ups, I took my shit and left.  I went straight to an Army recruiter and signed up.  Unfortunately, they wanted me to get my GED.  Great…5 years of not going to school, not learning past 7th grade.  How the hell was I going to pass a GED???  But I went ahead and did it regardless, walking into the testing center, shaking and terrified.  And guess what?? My overall score was phenomenal!  Unfortunately I was FIVE points under the mandatory math score, and that ruined it all.  It also broke down any confidence I still maintained.  And I stood there looking at the test score crying and defeated. 

  It didn’t take long after that to go back to Jimmy, figuring this was as good as it would ever get.  By the spring I’d gotten fed up with being kicked out all the time and opted to get a new apartment.  It was a 2 bedroom, and I figured it’d be easier to pay the rent and bills if I had a friend live with me.  And so Drew moved in.  I was still with Jimmy, Drew with a girl he’d been dating for some two years, and we co-existed relatively well.  Eventually, it started to become evident that while Drew and I were working long hours and leaving Jimmy and Drew’s girlfriend in our apartment, that things started to seem sketchy.  At some point that summer of 2007, I gave up.  I had my freedom and independence, and I was done dealing with Jimmy’s shit.  It became easier and easier to stop loving, and to stop caring. 

  In September of 2007, I was at work one night, and I called Jimmy before I left work to make sure he was coming to stay the night with me.  He informed me that he was at a party with his ex-girlfriend and wouldn’t be coming that night, or any night after.  And I thought “sweet, I’ll put your shit out in the street.”  I went home pissed off and embarrassed, and ready to drink the anger away.  Drew was home, and equally pissed at his own girlfriend for their own issues, and decided getting drunk was a perfectly acceptable way to end the night.  And then….we fell madly into bed together and lived happily ever after. ;)

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